I’m so dumb. I’m such a failure. I shouldn’t even try. Why am I talking? Shut up, obviously nobody wants you here. I suck. You are really oversharing. I am so ugly. I am never going to be successful. I’m not meant for this world. I’m such a bother. I’m just a burden to everyone. All I am successful at is failing. I will never find love. Why are you trying to be funny, you’re literally not. If I could afford something nicer then maybe I’d be likable. I can’t do this anymore. I am worthless. I am never going to be enough. I am nothing.
Did any of that sound familiar? You might struggle with negative self-talk. Those thoughts come from something called your inner critic. Your inner critic is this dumb little dialogue that likes to come in and destroy all good things. The inner critic is the little voice in your head fueled by fear, resentment, rejection and lies.
We as people are very creative creatures with a complex mind and complex thoughts, which is the coolest thing ever. This creativity is how we have things like our cars, cell phones, computers and air fryers. I mean AIR FRYERS. The most creative and genius invention in the world. However genius we may be, we also have a lot of well practiced abilities to create distress and shame.
It is easier to fall into a cycle of self doubt and shame than it is to believe that we might not be all that bad. When we set our expectations to zero then we can prepare ourselves for the worst and nothing can truly hurt us. Right?
So, where does negative self-talk come from?
Negative self-talk can come from many different places such as, but not limited to, ourselves, family, society, culturally and even religion (gasp). It’s easy to place pressure on yourself to be the absolute best at anything and everything and when we are anything less than, that must mean we must have earned a new label of failure or disappointment. We also can develop negative self-talk from other people in our lives, whether it’s people at school or work, people on the internet, family members or so called friends. People can sometimes be unsafe. People can be completely unaware of the power that they have with their words. Something even said in jest can become a newly deep seeded insecurity that is just waiting to blossom into a weed called self- hatred. And as a new home owner, I have recently grown to hate weeds. They choke out everything else good and pretty, like grass. I just want some dang grass to grow in my yard! But guess what happens when I don’t deal with the weeds? They grow more weeds.
When negative self-talk shows itself, it’s not typically an original thought. It’s often some conclusion we came to because we messed up somewhere along the way or someone told us what they thought was true.
Think back to when you were a kid and you were doing one of those rocket math sheets where you have 100 multiplication problems on a page and a limited time to do it. If you got all of the answers done and correct in that amount of time then you got out of taking the test for the next week. Guess who never got them all right…or even got them completed. Yup, me. Now what would’ve happened if I said well, looks like I failed at multiplication so I better swear off math because I suck at it. Well that would just be silly wouldn’t it? Well my wise friend, that’s exactly what I did and believe me, still do. I suck at math.
Let me tell you what. It literally doesn’t help anything. I still have to do math. I didn’t get to stop doing math. It’s not like math just ceased to exist because I told myself I suck at it. Instead I went through junior high, high school and college expecting to fail because I suck at math. I was a straight “B” and “C” student for pretty much every class I took with math, except for 1 year.
My freshman year of high school I declared to my parents that I was going to make straight A’s the entire year, if I did it, then they were going to pay me $100. When I set that goal for myself, everything changed. I was taking algebra 1 and got an A, every. Single. Time. And all it took was me telling myself that I could. Simply that power of saying I could and I would, made my whole math experience change. How rude is that. All I had to do was say that I could do it and I did? Am I so easily manipulated? Well friend, it appears that the human mind is. We can simply say the opposite and when we say it to ourselves enough we start to believe it.
Now, don’t get me wrong I put in a lot of hard work, time, tutoring, tears and to be honest maybe a little pleading with my teacher, but I earned my grade…
and I was $100 richer.
What Am I Supposed to Do With This?
Now clearly there are more complex battles of the mind than saying, I suck at math. So, what am I supposed to do with the real stuff? There are a few things that you can try that are a little more in depth:
Identify The Thought
Before we can even fully work on handling the thought, we must first be able to acknowledge that the negative thought is even taking place. This takes being intentional. Intentionality is one of my most favorite words and concepts because it places responsibility back onto us. Yes you can read all of the blogs, articles, books and videos but if you are not intentional about applying what you’ve learned then it is all pointless. So with identifying the thought you have to practice being self aware of your thought patterns. So for instance, if you feel as though you are having a hard time managing keeping up your home, then start there. Walk yourself through the whole process of maintaining your home and search for negative thoughts. When you apply this self awareness lens it will become easier and easier to identify the negative thought pattern.
I really need to be better at keeping up with my chores at home. My house is so gross. Nobody is going to want to be inside my house if it looks like this. But I am just not good at organizing and cleaning. It’s all too much and it’s too hard to handle. I feel like it’s not even worth it. I have to do all the dishes, then put away the dishes, wipe off the counters, clean the microwave and stovetop, mop the floors and clean out the fridge. All to just have to do it again the next day.
Here’s where it gets tricky. In this scenario there are a lot of different types of thoughts going on that are not necessarily that helpful. Though, let’s read that again and look for the negative self-talk, searching for what we assume is wrong with us.
I really need to be better at keeping up with my chores at home. My house is so gross. Nobody is going to want to be inside my house if it looks like this. But I am just not good at organizing and cleaning. It’s all too much and it’s too hard to handle. I feel like it’s not even worth it. I have to do all the dishes, then put away the dishes, wipe off the counters, clean the microwave and stovetop, mop the floors and clean out the fridge. All to just have to do it again the next day.
This thought right here does nothing but tear down our self esteem before we even start the overwhelming task. We have made an assumption that it’s already not worth it because it is somehow our fault. Yes, the cleaning task may be mundane or possibly too much for one person, but being able to identify the negative thought that is making it harder will go a long way and open the doors for you to be able to use more productive thought skills, such as asking for help or spreading out the task.
A great way to practice this skill is to write it out just as we have done and then highlight the negative thought! Once you have done this a few times you may begin to see a pattern in yourself.
Thought Stopping
Thought stopping is quite literally what it sounds like. You stop your thought in its tracks. As soon as you feel yourself starting a negative thought about yourself or circumstances then you can say in your head or out loud “stop!” This skill is really helpful in preventing a spiral of self hatred from coming undone. Imagine this: you’ve planned a perfect date night with your husband, you have the perfect dress, the candles are on the table, the steak is local and a perfect medium rare and you’ve prepared his favorite pie in the oven. But, then life happens. You’re so focused on the steak being buttered to perfection, mixing the mashed potatoes, cleaning up the pans and setting the table that you completely forget about the pie. I am such a failure. How could I have been so careless? He’s going to be so disappointed, I’m such a disappointment. I dont know why I even try if im just going to mess everything up.
As soon as you recognize that first negative thought you stop yourself in your tracks and practice thought stopping. So let’s do a replay:
You’re so focused on the steak being buttered to perfection, mixing the mashed potatoes, cleaning up the pans and setting the table that you completely forget about the pie. I am such a failure. How could… STOP. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. STOP THAT. NOT HELPFUL.
In using this skill it is important to make it your own. For more visual people you may want to picture a stop sign or a timer going off. For more auditory people you may want to use an alarm of sorts or a buzzer on your phone. For those that just want to make it a little more fun, maybe you pick a different word! Maybe stopping is too boring for you so instead you tell yourself “PURPLE SQUIRREL” or “TACOS!” Really anything can work as a distraction to stop your thoughts in their tracks.
Thought Restructuring
Thought restructuring is an extremely helpful skill when it comes to struggling with negative self talk. Thought restructuring is where you flip a negative thought into a more positive way of thinking so for example: Lets say I am late to work one day because I didn’t wake up in time to get ready. Immediately the thoughts creep in. Oh my gosh. I can’t believe I did it again. I’m late. I’m going to get fired. What kind of employee is late for something as basic as being on time? I am never going to be able to fix this. I am going to get into so much trouble.
Now, I think we’ve all been there before! It’s so easy to spiral into a thought process of doubt and worst case scenario. Though when we practice thought restructuring we rewire our minds to think more clearly and well balanced. So a thought may look more something like this: Oh my gosh i cant believe i did it again. Okay, well, this isn’t the worst possible thing I could have done. My boss is pretty understanding and I can just call them and let them know I’m going to be about 10 minutes late and I will take off 10 minutes from my lunch. I can do better next time and maybe even look into a new type of morning routine. This does not define me. Even if I was late today, I can still do good work because I am good at my job.
There is so much power in something so small and honestly kind of silly. I know some of you read that and thought to yourself, Yeah right, you don’t know my boss. And yes, you’re right. I don’t know your boss or your circumstance, but what I do know is practicing shame in your daily thoughts is not going to fix your chronic lateness. All it will do is continue to encourage you to be late because you have decided before you even started.
Some ways to practice restructuring a thought can be as follows:
- Affirmation Cards
- Record a video of yourself saying positive things about yourself.
- Rehearsing in the mirror.
- Sharing with a friend a positive thing about yourself.
- Use your religious faith to speak positivity into you such as verses or mantras.
Challenge a Thought
Challenging a thought is a really important skill to have because challenging a thought discredits the negative thought. It’s almost like logicing yourself out of a negative thought. When I apply this to my own life, I honestly like to take a sarcastic approach with myself.
Let’s say that for example, it’s my friend’s birthday and it’s a big one, she’s turning 30 years old. Woohoo, time to celebrate and make her feel special, but instead of calling her and wishing her a happy birthday, I got distracted by life and didn’t call her. Wow, instantly feel like the worst friend ever.
Oh my gosh are you serious? I didn’t tell her happy birthday, oh my gosh I didn’t post her on my insta story! She’s going to hate me. I ruined her birthday. She’s going to think I don’t care about her. I am so stupid.
Now, let’s challenge that thought a little…
Okay wait, for real? Is that what we are doing right now? It’s 10:30, the day isn’t over. Do you really feel so self important that you have the ability to ruin her entire day by not calling until you finally got the chance to slow down for the day? Its literally not a big deal. You celebrated with her at a birthday dinner 2 days ago. She knows you love her, just give her a call or text her now. You’re doing the best you can.
See what I did there? I took away the pressure that I have self inflicted onto myself to be perfect. I gave myself an out and a solution.
It is so easy to fall into negative thought patterns. It’s easier to assume that we are the problem and that there’s no way to make it better, but that’s not the case. All of these skills are things that take practice. Give yourself grace during this process. It is not as simple as here’s the skill and now you’re thinking so nicely to yourself. Give it time and practice and more than anything be intentional. Fill your mind and heart with positivity so much so that it’s almost uncomfortable to assume the worst.
I hope and pray that this is helpful for you in your journey to more positive thinking. Take your time and be patient with yourself.
I would love to hear how you have practiced lessening your negative self talk! Please leave a comment below, so I can learn from you too! Thank you for reading!